Friday, March 5, 2010

What happened my Picket Fence??

Oh dear God... the grass is growing... Why does this not make me happy? Spring is finally here and the days are getting longer, the weather is improving and the daffodils in the garden are starting to bud. But the grass.... why does it have to grow?? I love the smell of freshly cut grass but I'm just so tired already, and now I know that soon enough I'm going to have to add it to my list of "things that need doing"

You see, I'm a single mum with a couple of ex husbands behind me, so I have to do everything. I can deal with all the autism related stuff, I can run a home program, organise tutors, work, pay the bills, make the appointments and cope with all of that without cracking up. Its just how it is now. All decisions are down to me and in some ways that's actually better, as I don't have to run everything by another person and butt heads on whats best for the kids. My exes know that I only have the kids best interests at heart and will always put their needs before my own.

Lately though, I'm finding myself resentful that my life didn't turn out quite as I expected it. I think we all have this image in our heads when we were younger of what our "grown up" lives would be like. I rushed headlong into marriage to get started on this portrait but it wasn't to be. OK, put yourself back together, you have two kids now that need you so just pull it together and provide for them. We muddled along quite nicely and became the Three Musketeers. I was hesitant to change the dynamics of our family unit but then found myself in another relationship and we plodded along nicely for the best part of 5 years, but that wasn't to be either and we amicably went our separate ways, but not until I had uprooted my family and moved us to the countryside (and the half acre of grass that just keeps growing!!).

Loneliness set in and there is nothing worse than being lonely while surrounded by people.It was then I met my second husband. It was a whirlwind romance and I got caught up in the momentum and we quickly married despite there being indications that all was not quite right. The person I thought I married didn't turn out to be the person I ended up with. But I was pregnant on Munchkin at this time so we tried to make things work. Despite 5 months of counselling, our communication difficulties were too difficult to overcome and we separated.

So that was it... back to the Three Musketeers but now we were Four. I can't regret any of my life as it gave me three wonderful (even if they are challenging!) kids. I can't help feel that someone snuck in and stole my picket fence though. I really wish that I didn't have to make all the decisions, that it would have been nice to have someone to talk things through with, to make plans with and share the worries with. Someone who would have been my partner and companion as we got old together and laughed at how the grand kids were karma for the way our kids were as teenagers. But that's not possible now. I chose my path in life and I just have to accept it which I do for the most part. Its just when the grass starts growing it reminds me that its just another thing to do... I'll put it on the list after I put the bins out...


Jean said...

I think part of re-assessing our lives (which is a really healthy thing to do) is looking objectively at what we've achieved and saying "excellent job" about some of it and "WTF???" about the rest.
Contentment would be wonderful (altho I have a sneaking feeling it might be a little bit...boring)...but we would never improve our lives if we weren't a little bit unhappy.
Use your discontent to identify the stuff that needs to get chucked out (with the bins), mentally or otherwise.
Being a single mum is unimaginably difficult for me to even think about, but being in a toxic relationship (as i know from growing up) is way more damaging. Raising 3 great (if "challenging"...OK head-wrecking then, at times) is a huge achievement. Be proud hun! XXX

Jen said...

What Jean said! I can't put it any better than that so I won't try. I didn't want to leave without showing you some moral support though. Big hug going your way hun. Jen. xx

Anonymous said...

You have a wonderful family and you're a fantastic mum. Life is full of challenges and we don't get dealt any unless we can deal with them. Embrace your daffodils, put them in a vase and smile at them everyday. They'll be smiling right back at ya.

CJ xx

Petunia said...

Thanks you girls. I was just having a little pity party and needed to put it down in words so I could deal with it and move forward. I love my kids and my life is far from bad. Just after posting this, I read a blog where a little boy managed to leave his house and ended up drowning in a neighbours drain. It was the perspective I needed. I held my kids a little closer and longer today than I usually do and counted my blessings :) xxx

Petunia said...

I still hate the grass though lol...

Lisamaree said...

Why not try the cougar route? you can get them to do odd jobs around the house with their shirt off. And then send them home. xx xxx

Unknown said...

hire a really handsome gardener to do it and enjoy the view hehe
i know hun its real hard, my sis in same boat and sim struggles but all her ex's are assholes lol, your lucky you all still get alone
i hope the f****r who took the picket fence puts it back soon xxxxx

Truf said...

... and anyway, how do you know maybe you will meet your Mr Right tomorrow first thing in the morning (yes, I just finished watching "Desperate Housewifes" :-) Big hug from a fellow obsessive self-evaluator:
(( ))

Anonymous said...

The honesty and openess of the blog hit me (was having a pity party of my own!) Life is not easy in the usual run of the mill, then throwing in asd, aspie into the mix well then it becomes (some days)a life of survival until the next blow comes your way as if some one is saying "Right so you were strong enough to handle that situation, let's see how you get along with this one." Then you want to throw your hands in the air and get the F****r with that warped sense of humour and tell him to find someone else to pick on. You are a great mother, you roll with the punches, and obviously someone thinks you are strong enough to cope with it...and look fabulous while you do it! If you do get the "Desperate Housewives" gardner,please post up some pics! Hugs from Clare coming to you.

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