Saturday, June 20, 2009

Becoming acquainted with the kitchen lino....


After Christmas, when we had settled back into our usual day to day routine of school bus runs, homework, cooking, cleaning, working etc.... the seeds of fear started growing in my belly. Every so often, I would look at my gorgeous little girl and start to wonder, then rapidly push that unwanted thought to the back of my mind :( How could I even think that there might be something wrong, so I would stick my head back in the sand and carry on blindly in the hope that all would be ok...

Seeds of fear are like weeds though, even if you give them no attention whatsoever, they carry on growing until you are no longer able to ignore them. I started looking at what the Munchkin was doing, stacking cans, blocks, collecting pebbles and stones, lining things up, flapping, humping, obsessively looking at telly, resisiting touch and cuddles, bad sleeper, terrible eater.... yet she could suddenly look at you and melt your heart with a smile... She only liked to sit on you if she was having her bottle, facing out from you with her back to you and the second the bottle was finished she was off!

She was no longer using names at all and would count to ten over and over when excited. It was confusing as I could hear her talk when she was counting and she could hum the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star pitch perfect.... When I looked at our so called communication it suddenly clicked with me that I was running a dialogue of what she was doing, following her lead and it certainly wasn't her following my instructions etc... I started to palpitate with the mere thought of "Heuston... we have a problem"...

I finally felt able and ready to ask "the question" of my friends, some of whom are ABA tutors and have worked with children on the spectrum, and also contacted the family I had worked with who we had seen over the Christmas period when they returned to Ireland for a visit. The question? "Do you think that Munchkin might have a problem.... do you think she might have autism"..... I already knew the answer I would get but it still hit me like a steam train when one by one every single person said, "well yes, I think theres a problem there" My head started to close in on me and panic ensued.

I sat on the sofa in my kitchen and looked at my little girl, standing with her back to me and started calling her name, over and over and over.... Of course there was absolutely no response! Then I started shouting it.... then singing it.... then whispering it.... No resonse, not even a flicker. I fell to the kitchen floor and the most enormous wracking sobs shook my entire body as the last penny dropped. OH MY GOD.... MY BABY HAS AUTISM!!!! I spent hours crying and howling on the kitchen lino and Munchkin just stepped over me and carried on. I begged her for a hug, I pleaded with her for just a touch but of course she wasn't interested in the fact Mommy was having a nervous breakdown on the floor. I spent a good portion of the next week becoming acquainted with every inch of the kitchen lino as I seemed unable to function. This was rock bottom. Even writing about it now is evoking horrible memories of this time and tears are streaming down my face. It amazes me how far my baby has come in this short time and I look forward to telling you about the better times from now on...

7 comments:

Jean said...

Oh sweetie...i would so love to give you a huge hug right now. XXX

grufalomum said...

oh my god I remember that feeling so well - your world just seems to stand still yet everyone else seems to be getting on with theirs - do you ever think that memory of the way you felt that day fades?

Petunia - how brave of you and eloquently you have put it in words xxx

Clive said...

You say so well so much of what I felt at that time - which seems so long ago in some ways but as soon I start to remember again - it comes flooding back like it was yesterday. Thankfully we have moved on also to a better place over the last eight years.

Petunia said...

I don't ever think the memory ever fades of how it felt which is why I know I have been reluctant to revisit it. Unless you have been there yourself, it is very difficult to describe the absolute panic, grief and despair that hits you. You want so much to be wrong but as your heart is squeezed beyond belief, you know that things will never be the same again. I am so glad to be now at the stage where we are and everytime I see another person tentatively asking questions on Rollercoaster, my heart breaks a little for them knowing what may be ahead for them. But as you know, it does get better and you embrace a different life to the one you had imagined. xx

jazzygal said...

That was a tough post petunia. Well done... I hope it helps.
I know it helps me when I post the hard stuff.
I think all of us have a definitive moment when we realise what's wrong. Mine was when he did something that made me realise the choice I had to make to help him.
I think we'll all remember these moments and
feel sad....even if we've gotten to much
happier places. The memories definitley give us empathy with others coming along behind us. xx J

Joeys mum said...

I can finally post a comment now(deep breath)... wow Petunia. it took me back to the "why me" stage, "why us" "why my child"??? the word"autism" that hurt so much then, when it was 1st mentioned I was knocked for 6 and in complete denial.... how brave to share it with us xxx

Petunia said...

Joeys mum, I know exactly what you mean by the "why me" stage as I think we have all been there. I remembered though talking to my mother after she'd been diagnosed with a terminal illness and asking her did she not keep wondering why her... She said that she used to ask that question all the time til one day she answered herself... and the answer was "why not me?". Shes been an inspiration to me the way she soldiers on despite all she has to deal with because of her illness. There is no support group for her as it is so rare so she really is inspirational in how she keeps going.

I don't think I'm particularly brave either, I wouldn't have been able to do these posts if Munchkin hadn't improved so much over the last year and half xxx

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