Laughter is indeed the best medicine :)

Recession, budget cuts, job losses and illness were pushed back into the far recesses of our brains last Saturday night as once again, the Facebook Family headed out for a night on the tiles. We had had one night out previously last September which was such a success that another Autie Mom Andra, decided to take the reigns and plan a Christmas party to remember. And remember it we will!













A group of us headed out to the Laughter Lounge on the quays in Dublin for one of their party nights. We had come from all ends of the country, from Sligo, Donegal, Wexford, Cork, Kerry, Monaghan and so on... We were promised laughs and they didn't fail to deliver... Two comedians with sharp wit and the gift of the gab entertained us til we laughed our cotton socks off. At one stage, I feared that I couldn't breathe with the guffaws that were bellowing out past my lips! We sipped cocktails, amongst various other liquid delights that helped us to shed our inhibitions and dance the night away after the show had finished. Regardless of age or gender, our fabulous facebook friends boogied away with jaws sore from laughter and a smile on our faces as we put all other worries aside for the night that was in it. Laughter is indeed a wonderful medicine...



With all that we deal with on a day to day basis, the challenges we face when fighting for services for our children, the endless calls and paperwork we must fill out, it is quite easy to become overwhelmed and slip into depression as we forget to take care of our own mental health. That is why having an online community of friends is so important to help lift us up when we feel down, and to offer support when we need it. Meeting up for coffee occasionally and a night out every so often helps to cement those relationships that have developed. Laughing a night away with people that you have grown to respect and consider true friends is the ultimate therapy session! There are times however, where professional councillors can be the best option, if life has become so complicated and dragged you down so far that you feel there are things you can't talk about openly. Sometimes you need the anonymity of a stranger who is qualified and discreet enough to help you sort through your problems. This is where Solas comes in. I have copied and am pasting a section from the IAA blog regarding this...

From The Solas Centre: Parent Counselling Available

Just wanted to make you aware that we now have additional counsellors providing the service at Solas, with availability during weekday evenings. Katie and Paula have joined us this month and I'd like to welcome them aboard.

If you, or someone close to you, would like to avail of counselling/personal therapy service you are welcome to do so.

Just drop a note to counselling@autismireland.ie and we'll put you in touch.
All the best, Yvonne and The Solas Team

Some friends just suck!

Munchkin made a friend this week... She has spent countless hours talking to her friend, sitting in her sensory room with her and will even kiss and hug her goodnight. I should be delighted but... Its a vacuum cleaner! Her new friend is called Hetty and is a close relative to Henry! I can't believe the budding relationship between the two of them and am at a loss when she will kiss and hug her new buddy goodnight but will still reject her own brother and sister and have a mini meltdown if one of them even attempts to get close enough for a kiss or hug when she's heading up to bed.


Its not the first strange obsession she's had over the years. One of her first loves and still a strong contender is stones. All types, pebbles, gravel, big ones and little ones, she loves them all. She would spend countless hours playing with the stones she could take from the plant pot in my landing and would walk around with a select few in her hands. Every time I would bring her to my friends house, she would go to their modern electric fire and take out all the firestones to line them up in order of size and shade. Her husband could always tell when Munchkin had been for a visit as they would be lined up on the hearth and the plant pots would be rummaged through as they had a lovely layer of pebbles on top of the compost... (she would also have eaten some clay and compost but that's another story!)



A relatively new one, along with the hoover, is a preoccupation with clocks, timers and buttons. She seems fascinated but almost anxious with the timer we introduced in her home program, so much so that we replaced it with a visual egg timer. She now notices clocks everywhere she goes and only this weekend while at the swimming pool noticed the clock on the wall. When she is prompted to talk about swimming now, all she will say is "clock at the swimming pool". I'm uncertain how to stop her preoccupation with this though... An easier one to deal with is her wanting to lick the buttons on the television remote... I can take it from her and show her how to use it appropriately! She has only very recently learned to put her tongue past her lips so have caught her licking a variety of things but she seems to favour the remote and the telephone. I understand this is because the tongue is an extremely sensitive organ and it is something babies do to learn about their environment, however I will try to encourage her to only do this in her own home for the time being as some people may not appreciate their possessions being slobbered over!

I will watch the developing relationship between vacuum cleaner and my little girl and decide how best to use this in a positive way (hey, anything that encourages language is good no?) or as one of my facebook buddies said, "switch it on and let her drag it around with her... at least the floors will be clean!"

Even masks have to come off to blow your nose...

The one thing that parents of children with special need are experts at is putting on a brave face. No matter how difficult you are finding things to cope with, its like the glasses you take from the bedside locker each morning, part of your daily ritual. Get up, shower, and put the impenetrable mask on that few are privy to see behind. It is almost as if we admit to others that we are finding it hard to cope, the reality will hit the person we least want to admit it to... ourselves.

I had a meltdown this weekend while visiting my family. I had spent a particularly lovely morning with my Facebook friends, enjoying coffee and chat, and even got to meet the hairier members of the group in the form of Jules and Dusty the assistance dogs. These girls are the ones we allow to see past our shields, the ones who know that struggle to keep our emotions in check and understand why we feel the need to bury them at times.

Stress is something that can build slowly over time too... I like to think of it as my own personal pressure cooker... Lets start with that ingredient ADD, yep can cope with that, throw in a bit of Aspergers, yep still coping, add some more ADD, a pinch of OCD, a smidgen of anxiety, wow.. still managing! Wow, this recipe is shaping to be an interesting mix... Add in a handful of divorce, a dash of depression, a HT program, dealing with the authorities and the powers that be, fill in some paperwork, chase and make phonecalls... yep the pressure is building now but if I only take a little bite at a time I'm managing to keep the meal I'm making down. Stick the lid on, turn up the heat and like a pressure cooker, let a little steam out through a safety valve (my own safety valve is my facebook friends, who get the steam blown their direction and who help me diffuse it before it fogs up my glasses!) Then something unexpected happens and it might seem the most insignificant thing in comparison to the other ingredients in the pot and the valve bursts off spraying the ceiling with the contents of the previously controlled chamber...



This is what happened this weekend... Being slightly oversensitive and a tad over reactive, I perceived advice as a lecture instead of remembering that the person who had offered it only has my best interests at heart. This person loves me unconditionally, has always been there to catch me when I fall (which I have plenty over the years) and has only ever wanted me to be happy. Its my fault that I keep my mask in place and don't want them to see when I'm not coping and stressed. I dropped my mask and dissolved in floods of tears. Ok that last bit sounds like tears rolled gently down my cheeks where in reality, I'm not the prettiest cryer. My face was one only a mother could love, crumpled, red, bloated and there were plenty of tears and snot involved (thanks Dad for the kleenex). I opened up my fears to them and they all spilled out mixed together and jumbled up. I'm sure that it must have been difficult to decipher half of what I was crying about through the wails and tears.

What I have to try to remember to do is not to keep the mask in place with the people who love me most. To allow others in, to help before the pressure pot builds to that point again. I'm sorry now that I hid my stress levels from the person who loves my kids as much as I do. I think a lot of us do that to protect our families and loved ones from having to worry about us. For now, I can put my mask back in place and carry on with the daily grind of appointments and paperwork etc, but I will be asking for help when I need it.


For Mum xxx

A Book with a Bright Pink Cover?

Just over a week ago, I did something I had wanted to do for a long time... I dyed my hair pink! Not all of it, but huge big chunks of it. I'm not talking subtle pastel coloured pink either... Bright, bold magenta. I then waited for the comments to roll in. You see, I'm not totally bonkers, there was an ulterior motive to doing this to my crowning glory. It was a great social experiment to see how others perceptions of me changed, just by changing the colour of my hair. With human nature, people will evaluate others within seconds of meeting them, by the style of their clothes, the way they talk, look, and smell even, and will form an almost instant opinion of what that person is like. It is a self preservation and protection mechanism inbuilt into us to gauge what threat may lie with this individual and if a threat is perceived to protect our children and those close to us.

I was amazed how quickly attitudes changed to me. Not by those who know me well, in fact some of them were very quick off the mark to realise that I had another reason for doing this, but by virtual strangers who may have felt they knew a little about me, but not too much. People all of a sudden felt as if they had a right to pass comment, and to judge my choice. Marks were overstepped on several occasions where very personal comments were passed on my physical attractiveness... Assumptions were made by strangers and I was watched closer by security guards in shops. On the other hand, a lot more people felt free to start conversations with me, using my hair as an opener for discussion. I had teenage girls stop to tell me how much they liked my hair and strangers smile at me for no other reason than to just smile and nod.

We are led by all our senses, not just the visual sense. We judge others by how they talk, what accent they have, where they come from.. We assume for example, that old men with rough hands and skin were manual workers... We believe that when someone is slurring their voices that they are drunk... Not all of these things are necessarily true, but it doesn't stop our instant evaluation of that individual. Munchkin talks with an English accent at times as can a lot of children with aspergers. I joked with a friend on a night out that they must have been drunk as they were a little unsteady on their feet only to be told of the brain tumour they once had. How small I felt suddenly... I have another friend who has epilepsy, and when she's tired her voice slurs... she has never taken a drink in her life. This is where I have my own lesson to learn, not to judge the book by the cover until I have read the contents.

What has this got to do with my experiences with autism I hear you ask. Almost as many assumptions are made of our children. How many times have you heard "well he/she LOOKS normal..." People assume that because our kiddies may not have a visible disability, that their behaviour is down to bad parenting, or that the child needs more discipline. How many looks have you had when at the supermarket? I have had many moment of people tutting when Munchkin has a meltdown in the middle of the shopping aisles. We have had people look and not try to hide their disgust at the "naughty" child! People have actually passed comment to me before that "children were better behaved when you could slap them" implying that Munchkin just needed a good clip around the ear to stop the tantrum. Sometimes I explain, but there are times I'm glad I've have a Nelly like hide which is virtually impenetrable!

The other comment I get a lot is "but she can talk" as if that is all that autism means. I have had to explain the difference on many occasion between speech and communication. Munchkin has great speech now thanks to a lot of hard work by her very good tutors, teachers and school and her siblings. She is not conversational but her comprehension is improving at a great rate. With a good home program in place and a lot of patience, her communication deficits are decreasing. Her aspergers and my hair have that in common, permanent but with a lot of treatment will fade, however my hair will "grow out" but her aspergers is what makes her who she is and I don't think I would like to remove all traces of it. Shes my quirky little madam who doesn't care what colour mummys hair is... In fact she paid no heed to the change whatsoever!

L is for Lemons...

A few nights ago, a fellow Facebooker came online looking for support and advice as a realisation hit her full force and with no warning when putting her little boy to bed. She did the usual nighttime routine but this time, when she said I love you, he answered A is for Annie Apple... The sudden awareness that all her sons responses were rote hit her in the heart like a sledgehammer and left her wondering if her little boy could truly feel love at all... Within minutes of her posting, the troops rallied and everyone was there to help her through this time. Its something that has passed through all our minds when we wonder about our little ones and their problems with empathy and understanding emotions and feelings. The one consistent response that was posted was that our little ones may have trouble articulating their feelings but they certainly do FEEL them. When Munchkin is hurt, or hungry, or scared it's me she looks for... when she's tired and wants snuggles, no one else will do the job quite as good as Mummy. When she has a bad dream and wakes terrified in the night, the scream is for me to come get her and then she curls up so tightly in my arms for the rest of the night. Its times like these I KNOW she loves me. She doesn't have to say the words, she shows me. She will repeat "I love you" if I ask her but she's just as likely to reply to the question of who she loves with "I love Mummys phone!"

I do often wonder about her interpretation of feelings when I'm trying to teach her emotions and the correct response to have when another child has hurt themselves, or is happy, or angry... Her lack of empathy is a problem at times as if one of her peers was to fall and hurt themselves badly, her reaction is to laugh. The comical aspect of someone tripping makes us laugh and is quite typical, and lets face it, we all have a chuckle when someone falls over. The realisation however that the person had injured themselves would immediately trigger empathy in us and we would stop laughing and show and feel concern. Munchkin just continues laughing. This is something that will have to be addressed and taught in her home program as it's just one typical example of where our little ones will have problems if mainstreaming.

My mother asked me recently if Munchkin will ever FEEL empathy, or will it always be a rote response to a situation. I can only answer I don't know to this question, but I like to believe that she will learn empathy and relate those feeling to her own but it's going to take time. It will only be through feeling emotions herself and being reminded when teaching her to generalise that it may register with her. This isn't something that's going to happen overnight like an epiphany, but a long haul process...

The Gruesome Twosome (Elder Lemon and Yani) returned on Friday after spending a week in London with their father and his wife and kids. They have a little brother who is five and a little sister who will be 3 next February. It was an eyeopener for both of them spending time with NT kiddies and they were a little subdued when they came home... They opened up about their feelings to me and told me of the sadness they were feeling as they had their own penny dropping moments as they watched their youngest sister over the week chatting away to everyone and having conversations. They had a dose of "normal" and it hit home strongly that Munchkins problems, even though she has come so far, are quite startling in comparison. They struggle to come to terms with the fact she won't cuddle them or let them kiss or hug her most of the time, and can feel quite rejected by her. They felt scared suddenly for her. After talking through our feelings and worries, they have accepted that to compare Munchkin to other children is unfair and a pointless exercise. Acceptance is the key to moving forward and I'm very proud of how my teenagers have talked things through and made their decisions to accept and support instead of feeling angry on their little sisters behalf. Life is chucking us lemons so we are just going to make some fabulous lemonade :) With love and understanding who knows what Munchkins capabilities and possibilities are...

For Ruthie xxx

Acknowledging your Inner Aspie

Today I once again pondered then genetic links with ASD. Every once in a while, I peruse the genetic links and question where Munchkins particular brand of autism reared its head from. It would be very easy to lay the blame squarely on the shoulders of her blatantly aspie father, but I have to acknowledge my inner aspie too...

I have had numerous conversations with other parents of children on the spectrum and have come to the conclusion that we are all on the spectrum somewhere, with varying degrees of quirks and symptoms. Our children just have more quirks and difficulties that perhaps we as parents have.



As I sat driving up to see a friend this afternoon, I reached back several times with my hand to scratch the back of my neck and it was only when I went to rip the label off my new top, that I realised I have several tops at home with the signature two holes at the neck where I have yanked the label from the top when the sensation became intolerable and couldn't wait til I could delicately remove the offending fabric by unpicking the stitching... Ummm... interesting... I started to think deeper about what other quirks I might have.

One common trait that keeps emerging when talking to other parents is a resistance to change. We like to think that we are fine with it, but only over the weekend, Facebook changed its format once again and there was uproar about it! We don't like when we have to find our way again, we like consistency. Many of us found school years uncomfortable, felt out of place. We seem to have a routine of certain rituals we perform, from activities we do to the predictability of perhaps a Chinese on a Friday night. I personally cannot sit in the sitting room with the curtains all crooked or caught up behind the chair that sits at the window (my teenagers seem incapable of pulling them straight, preferring the yank and leave as it falls option), pictures not straight or a lack of symmetry can ruin my concentration until I am compelled to straighten the offending article... All of this though can been seen as typical behaviour. The one thing that makes me question my own aspieness though is my love of technology...



Is it normal for your pulse to quicken at the sight of a new brochure with electronic gadgetry advertised? I seriously feel my heart start to race as I step into a shop which stocks the latest gadgets and computers. I feel content stroking the keys of a computer keyboard and practically purr when taking a new object of my affection home... I HAVE to have the latest contraption that has been released, even if it means saving like crazy to get it. My favourite toy has to be the iphone, which fits perfectly in my hand, the sleek black casing smooth to the touch and the screen so sensitive you could almost blow on it to change page... What doesn't surprise me is that Munchkin seems to have inherited my obsession with all things electronic also, and would do any task set for 5 minutes on my iphone. What does surprise me is the ease in which she finds her way around the menus at her tender age. Her father also has an obsession with electronic gadgets so it makes sense that she has the love of them too... Apples and trees come to mind!

There was a great post recently on the Irish Autism Action Blog which included a link to online tests by Simon Baron-Cohen which would give you an indication of how strong your inner aspie actually is... Have a go and see how you score ;)

Was Mozart afraid of The Dryer Monster??

Today I took Munchkin out for lunch with a friend and was very pleasantly surprised how our trip into town went. We even managed to squeeze a quick browse around a clothes shop without any major incidents. Munchkin happily stood peeling stickers off all the new lingerie that had been displayed while I tried on some coats beside her. I had to let go of her hand to take on and off the selected coats that I had dragged over to the bra and knickers and she was very content to stay put while I did my impromptu fittings. I decided on a lovely new grey jacket and that was placed into the basket alongside several candles, some underwear, a schoolbag and some Christmas cards that Munchkin had discretely swiped and placed there as we went through the aisles. We only had two incidents in the shop where she bolted so it was a good day to try for lunch out.

My friend and I decided on a lovely restaurant we know were there is seating under the stair area next to the bathrooms where Munchkin could be contained in a high chair with a harness and we settled ourselves down and waited patiently for the lasagne to be dropped down to us. All the time, Munchkin entertained herself nicely with the sugar sachets and other condiments... All going fabulously... She even ate some chunky chips (usually rejected as MaccyDees skinny fries are the acceptable ones...)

I decided then that I would take her to the bathroom as it had been a while since she had been and I didn't wish to be frantically trying to dry out a car seat! My guard must have been extremely relaxed as I went straight past the wheelchair accessible toilet I would normally have gone into with her and went to the ladies toilets instead. Whilst she sat on the toilet, another lady had finished her business and washed her hands.... oh no.... how could I have been so stupid?? As the hand dryer went off just outside the cubicle, Munchkin threw herself, terrified and semi naked into the safety of my arms, screeching, panic stricken with the widest eyes you could ever imagine... I should have known better as have had her climb onto my shoulders in a cubicle as she waited for me to finish on the toilet before when a dryer has gone off outside the door. Needless to say, I think a visit to that particular restaurant in the future will be doubtful as she will associate it not with the pleasant and relaxed lunch we had, but the "Dryer Monster" which is what I imagine she thinks it is.

The "Dryer Monster" is not uncommon I believe and have heard it attacks many children on the spectrum. It has been known to frequent all corners of the globe! It particularly likes those with sensitive hearing and is related to the ferocious "Hairdryer Monster"...

Sensory issues affect a huge number of children with autism. All the senses can be amplified beyond what we ourselves could tolerate. This was explained so eloquently by Hammie in her blog Hammiesblog

"Autism is a sensory disability in which everything your child sees, hears, feels, tastes and smells is distorted. They may see every strand of hair on your head individually with more detail than a Dandruff commercial, hence the need to push your hair off your face. They may taste food in individual components that make the slightest change to the recipe seem like an entirely different food. Touch can be too light to feel or too intense to bear, or both! And sound most unfortunately can be very distorted, either because they hear everything and cannot tune in to what’s important, ie. your voice, or because they only hear the higher sounds or the lower sounds that are in their environment."

I have been lucky that even without any official Occupational Therapy, my own home program that I implemented has been very successful in desensitising Munchkin to a lot of her sensitivities, touch especially was difficult for her, but now will actively seek contact with me. I have noticed however, that her sensitivity to noise seems to be increasing, not hugely, but is increasing. She will several times a day (well several is a bit of an understatement... several hundred times a day!) "Whats that noise...." It could be a clock ticking, or a washing machine in another room or the neighbours dog barking, or the wind blowing etc.... I've also noticed that she is getting more interested in musical notes, particularly mid range tones. While at my mothers house, she has a piano and unlike most children her age, she does not bang and clatter the keys, rather will press them gently, finding the notes that please her best. She does the usual press every key in sequence but then will place both hands palm down on the ivory keys and press several keys with each hand until she finds some that sound pleasing to her ear and holds them down as the notes resonate through her hands... Perhaps I have a budding pianist on my hands...