Tuesday, July 9, 2013

What would you do...

Like a relentless nagging whining child, a question keeps running through my head in the style of the National Lottery advertising campaign where we were asked what we would do for a few million euro. Only its not money that my inner advertising guru is asking about.  Its a chugging whirring demand to know if I would tightrope across the Grand Canyon, or go swimming with great white sharks wearing Lady Gaga designed swimwear, or something equally ridiculous that my mind thinks of but the end prize would be to have five minutes more.  "What would you do for just five minutes more..."

I would give pretty much anything or do anything to have a few more minutes to tell my Mum again that I love her.  To hold her hand and kiss her and hear her voice just one more time. I miss her more than words can say and would love to turn the clock back and cherish the moments that I once took for granted. I can't though and no amount of ruminating and wishing will change that.  

Before Mum passed away, I told her that we would all be ok. She had been delighted that I was finally moving back up to Dublin with Munchkin and as a family we would all be nearby for each other after she was gone, to support each other in sad and trying times and to celebrate and cherish happier times too.  All the changes are terrifying but when I get scared or overwhelmed with what needs to be done, I can almost hear her voice telling me that its all going to be fine and to stop worrying. All I can do is to honour my promise to her to try to live life and enjoy it and to encourage the kids to do the same. To stop dwelling on the negative and instead of looking at what we don't have, to be happy about all that is good in our lives. I once asked her if she was not bitter and angry that she had become ill despite the fact she didn't smoke, rarely drank, exercised and took great care with her nutrition.  To me it all seemed grossly unfair that she got this rare bone marrow disorder when she was so careful with her health. I asked did she not keep asking "why me??" and she told me that she did ask that for a while until one day the answer came to her when a voice in her thoughts replied "Why NOT me??"  Said it took the bitter sting out of the tail of her anger. She told me that bad things can't always happen to "other people" and that you have to just pick yourself up and get on with the cards you've been dealt.  I didn't appreciate how positive she actually was until she was gone, nor realise just how many lives she had touched and influenced until I could see the church filled to capacity with faces I'd long forgotten.  She never forgot a face though and was an amazing people person, treating everyone equally.  Whether you were a member of the cleaning staff at the hospital, or a consultant, you were all part of the intricate network of my mothers life. She made a point to talk to people and was genuinely interested in what they had to say.  I struggle maintaining personal relationships and friendships as I've previously blogged about, but it came naturally to her.  I'd love to be more like her though and am going to try really hard until its less difficult. I'm determined to work hard with Munchkin too as know its something that doesn't come easy to her either.  September heralds the start of a new chapter in our lives when we move up to Dublin and she starts her new school.  I can hear Mum telling me to "start as we mean to go on" so its time to stand tall and think of the challenges ahead in a positive manner and embrace the changes, whatever they may bring. To draw strength from the woman who fought a brave battle against interminable odds with courage and dignity, right to the very end.  

I know you loved this piece of writing and I will try my best to follow the words of it.  But can you come visit me in my dreams and talk to me... just for five minutes more?  Love you to the Moon and Back Mum xxx


Unknown said...

What I wouldn’t do for five minutes more with Freesa. They say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. I never knew how true that was.

Despite her being sick as long as I can remember, I never really thought she would leave us. Part of me always thought she was superhuman and would be with us forever – Although she always will be in my memory.

When you think of a grandmother, you think of an old lady. Freesa was not the typical grandmother, hence why we never called her Nana/Granny/Nanny etc. I remember her teaching me how to jive and just not grasping it, but dancing around the kitchen like a lunatic with her anyway. Our thing was crosswords. She used to print them out from the Irish Times every day and we would sit at the table completing them. On occasion we would cheat but we never told anyone that! She also taught me how to do Sudoku, which I spent most of my first year of college doing. I recently got my first year exam results. I passed everything and got three firsts. I went to text her and then remembered I couldn’t. She would have been so proud of me. Not one nurse that treated her didn’t know I was studying nursing in college. One day when ironing my uniform for the hospital I caught her smiling at it. College is tough but I know I have to get through it to make her proud.

I wasn’t always sweetness and light (still not!) and many times when I went to my grandparent’s house I would end up having a tantrum and storming off. If only I could take those wasted minutes and have them with her now. I regret not spending every precious moment with her being happy and cheerful like she was. I wish I could watch The Voice of Ireland and dance around the kitchen with her again.

Freesa was one of the most inspiring people I know and I’m so glad I was blessed to have her in my life.

Every so often I get little reminders of you and it makes my heart heavy but also reminds me of all the great times we had together. I’ll miss you but I know you’ll always be with me. I love you. Your Senior Princess. Xx

Looking for Blue Sky said...

A gorgeous tribute, and I'm sorry it hurts so much, life is so bloody unfair xxx

jan said...

floods but a pleasure to read xoxxo

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